Who are we to decide?

The month of December 2009 was filled with awe in my small world. Our identical twin granddaughters were born in November. Sophie and Molly are a mystery to me as they slowly become aware of the world by developing sight, touch and awareness of their environment. Their brother is attentive and proud. Their parents are calm, loving and totally committed. I wonder at the links these two souls have between them. When we hold these two precious bundles they move, smile and get bothered sometimes. We respond with laughter and pleasure believing they know we are there and hoping they can distinguish between us as individuals. Psychologically sensitive professionals start making assumptions. They speak of developmental stages as if they were set in concrete to guide us through parenting and grandparenting. Wise admirers start offering advice such as the instruction not to treat these girls as twins but make sure they are respected as individuals. We look for differences, search for signs that one is not the same as the other and in the next moment express pleasure at their sameness. We compare them with their ancestors, their immediate family and our own history. Speculation is the name of the exercise. Meanwhile the babies signal their desire for food, comfort and attention. Each time one of these signals are given we make more assumptions, find more patterns and establish more certainties. Gradually the stories build and may even be written into history to be unearthed later in the life of these two lovely girls who become women. It is also natural to turn to gender difference and compare granddaughters with grandsons. Family and friends can now make predictions and imagine a new balance in the family because granddaughters have arrived. We will all approach each young life with an innate sense of gender preferences which reflect our own upbringing, preferences and priorities. The way we were parented will probably dominate our instinctive reactions and in a strange way pave pathways for our granddaughters. It is important to pass on stories and give our impressions to the next generation. We could not parent or grandparent without establishing some certainties in our minds. We need inner guides and mind sets in order to be mentors for the precious lives entrusted to us.

The best guides may lie in the fabric of myths and legends. They may be found in intricate meanings which make these kinds of stories last through the generations. Human development knowledge changes rapidly and what we think we know about growth needs constant review. Some theories our own grandparents clung to were discarded years ago. Psychological insights come and go because they are gleaned from research based on limited data. Value based principles from culture, religion and community often last longer but they are also subject to change as the years roll by. Meanings in stories we cannot pin down, ideas passed faithfully from one generation to another for centuries and legends about people who may or may not have existed hold important lessons. The truth for each developmental moment probably lies somewhere in between fantasy and reality. Between legend and known history. Between science and spirituality. I am not sure how I will grandparent our granddaughters in ways that are different from our grandsons. I will draw on something inside me that tells me to tread carefully and at times firmly. I will listen to the opinions of others and wonder about their meanings. I will suspend belief until I have confirmation from my grandchildren that one way or another seems right. They will tell me in their own way. I will know when they smile, chide me or appreciate me, that a new truth has been born.