I have been listening to recent debates about whether men have good access to professional assistance, whether they are disadvantaged by meeting with female health professionals and whether they are disenfranchised when they face marital or couple separation. Many of the strong views highlighting the ways men are disadvantaged as clients have validity as do comments made by advocates for men's health and wellbeing. They often mirror insights into the ways women are disdavantaged. We have made important changes for both men and women over the years. Those changes have made life easier for some but we have not made enough changes to combat the continual hurt, violence and abuse by partners in couple relationships. It is also taking time for some men to take responsibility for their emotional and health issues and recognise the way their life styles are inihibiting them, their families and their partners. The debates around these issues need to continue. The unfortunate truth is that change seems not to occur unless advocates use generalisations and all encompassing opinions. I often hear the phrase, "Men are..." on the airwaves and my reaction is to say out loud, "Well, you are not talking about me in this instance". I have both positive and negative features as a male. I don't have all the positive and negative features assigned to me by commentators on the male of the species. A recent news item claimed women are preventing men from achieving academically. That may be true for the participants in the study. All research is limited by the data base employed. Problems arise when research findings are turned into generalisations resulting in men and women being gathered into what appear to be two homogenous groups. Some women will be achieving more academically and some may be preventing men advancing. On the other hand some men will climb ladders ahead of women and prevent them from climbing past their male counterparts. The use of gender allocated reasons for personal and social behaviour is important when it comes to signalling the need for social change. Change agents have a louder voice and are more convincing when they use generalisations. I accept that as something we perhaps ought not to change. I also encourage both men and women to question the stereotypes. Individuality is just as important as social cohesion. When heterosexual couples seek assistance for their relationship issues gender based observations are often used as the basis for resolving conflict. The number of books highlighting the differences between men and women are based on the assumption that understanding gender will make a significant difference. Again we have a partial truth. My experience is different. Focusing on gender difference often serves to separate men and women providing insight without a way forward. Female-male communication is peculiar to each couple. Some common themes emerge but the way each partnership has set the ground rules for communicating and the unique history each partner brings to the relationship creates more fertile soil for growing together successfully. I have made many changes to my approach to assisting couples after three years counselling in sessions with a female counsellor alongside me. I wonder why I spent so many years working with couples on my own and training others to do the same. The issue is one of balance. It is true that a female and a male counsellor mirror the way partners relate to each other and gender issues are managed with much more clarity. What is perhaps more important is that there are two counsellors for two clients in the room. The implications of balance in therapy and counselling has yet to be explored and I am watching this feature carefully as I work. I recognise my own features as a male and the features of my male clients impinge for gender based reasons. I also recognise those features are part of a total system which has to do with individuality and dynamics which are common to both male and female. We are different and, at the same time we need to be wary of those who would package us in separate parcels without any guidance as to how to share the contents successfully and with dignity.
